Why You Are Scared of Being Judged

Where the fear of being judged comes from

Fear is good.

It’s what’s kept humans alive for as long as time.

The fear of being judged comes down to the fear of being rejected.

And there was a time, a very long time ago, where being rejected probably meant to die.

In a far away past, humans needed to stay together to stay alive. No one would last for a day if they were left alone in the wild.

Instinctively, as humans, we need community.

The problem is, this survival mechanism is outdated.

Today, you’re most likely to survive alone.

Therefore, our fear of being judged, or rejected, doesn’t exactly tie directly to our fear to die (even if, deep down, it’s instinctively related).

Where the fear of being rejected comes from

I said that the fear of being judged comes from the fear of being rejected.

And I said that the fear of being rejected comes from our survival instinct.

But I also said that we would survive being alone in the world today.

So why do we still have this outdated survival instinct?

Deep down, the fear of being rejected has to do with the experiences we learned from childhood.

I know, I know.

Before doing therapy and diving deeper into the origins of my insecurities, I didn’t see the correlation either.

But the more I got to know myself and understand where my triggers come from, the more I could see it. 

The intensity of our fear of being judged depends on how much we have FELT judged in the past… as children.

The childhood trauma of being judged and rejected

When we’re children, we actually depend on adults to survive.

Therefore, we grow up learning who we can be and not be with the feedback of authority figures.

If our parents and other authority figures clearly communicated with us, showed a lot of love, affection and encouragements to express ourselves, we were likely to grow up with a strong self-esteem.

We are therefore less likely to be scared of what others may think of us.

On the other hand, if our parents were afraid of judgment themselves, repressed some of our personality traits or punished us from being who we are, we are most likely to have developed the fear of being judged and a low self-esteem.

Rejection can happen in many ways. Some that we’re not even aware of.

That explains why the slightest lack of communication can be interpreted wrongly. 

Some behaviours that could have made you feel rejected include: disapproval when you expressed yourself, signs of annoyance, anger with no explanation, passive-agressiveness, lack of encouragements, not being present… and much more.

Depending on their personality, people will be affected and cope differently.

Now, this is not a post to tell you to be angry at your parents.

And I’m not saying it’s your parents fault. They did their best. And they might not be aware themselves of what they passed on to you.

The problem is not what they did or didn’t do; it’s how you felt about it.

Two siblings, for example, might not react and cope the same way from feeling rejected by their parents.

If you’re a highly sensitive person, for example, you might be more susceptible to be affected by the slightest manifestation of disapproval (aka, rejection).

The way the fear of being judged manifests itself in adults also depends on the environment growing up, the friends you hung out with when you were a child and your personality.

How much do you fear judgment from others?

Thinking everything is your fault and be sorry for everything (aka being a people pleaser), might be a sign that you have felt rejected for who you are as a child.

Meaning, not accepted.

Maybe you have been shamed a lot.

These are not cool feelings to dive into or to remember.

Now before we go further… if you relate in any way with what I’m saying, I really recommend you consider getting insights from a certified therapist.

Not because you have a problem. Not because you need therapy. Just because it will help you… a lot more than you can imagine.

I went to therapy myself at some point in my personal growth journey. Not because I was mentally ill. Nor because I was desperate. Simply because I wanted support to become a higher version of myself and grow.

If you don’t already have a therapist, you can find online platforms that offer 1:1 services with certified ones.

Calmery is one of those.

There you can quickly find someone you get along with (’cause yeah, that’s a thing, you need to find a therapist you like) since you’ll be matched with someone who fits your goals.

Understanding the fear of being judged

The behaviours that we judge in other people are those that we prevent ourselves from having.

Otherwise, we wouldn’t care about what they’re doing. Or we would support them if they’re our friends.

But when we judge someone, it means there’s something about what they do or what they say that bothers us.

It means that we’re triggered.

Why would it bother us so much if it doesn’t have anything to do with us?

That’s because we’re judging them for doing things we would judge ourselves for doing.

The truth is, we do not judge anyone other than ourselves.

If we felt 100% good with ourselves, then why would we waste time judging others for living their lives and being happy?

As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, what anyone does or says is none of our business.

At least it shouldn’t be if we want to keep our peace of mind.

The truth is, we do not judge anyone other than ourselves.

Resources to understand and overcome the fear of being judged

1. 1. Find a therapist on Calmery to better understand the origins of your fear
   2. Use daily journaling to express your thoughts and understand yourself.  Read this article to help you get started. Shop journals
   3. Get to know yourself better. This article might help.
   4. Read these books from Brenee Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly
   5. Learn about effective communication, how to express what you want and to set boundaries. This resource might help.

Journaling prompts to help understanding your fear of being judged

• • As I grew up, what parts of me did I repress?
  • What was I punished for when I was a child?
  • What was I not allowed to do when I was a child?
  • What are behaviours I judge in others people?
  • What do I find inadequate about myself?
  • In what situation do I have the feeling that I am “too much” or “not good enough”?
  • What part of me am I ashamed of? Why?

CONCLUSION: the origins of your fear of being judged

Everyone has their own quirks, habits, behaviours, etc. So why the need to point out the differences? It’s a total waste of energy.

We would live in a better world if we focused on our similarities.

But for that to happen, we would all need to overcome our ego, deal with our inner demons and find peace of mind.

The more we get to know ourself, the more we learn to accept ourself. And gradually, we can overcome the fear of being judged by others.

We can offer ourselves more compassion. But it takes work. We need to dive deep into our triggers and it’s not an emotionally easy tasks.

But it’s totally worth it.