How to Deal with Guilt in Toxic Friendships

1. Self awareness: understanding your toxic dynamic

I think there is no such thing as a toxic person. It takes two people to create a toxic dynamic. There might be one person between the two who has more disrespectful behaviours; but the other person allows them to happen. The latter is probably you.

Once we are aware that we are in a toxic friendship, the next step to break the cycle is to take accountability.

To end a toxic dynamic, we first need to recognize how we contribute to this dynamic.

However, be careful not to fall in the pattern of thinking that it’s ALL our fault. Which you might have a tendency to do a lot. It is NOT all your fault, nor all someone else’s fault. Remember, it’s a dynamic between two people.

To give you courage to make a change and break the cycle, you can first ask yourself some questions.

Affirmations for self awareness in toxic friendship

• • What’s my part in this toxic dynamic?
  • How am I entertaining this toxic dynamic?
  • How am I allowing my friend to treat me this way?
  • How am I letting this person cross my boundaries?

I strongly suggest that you take the time to answer these questions. I also recommend that you journal about it.

If you’re new to journaling, check out the following article:

> Journal prompts for beginners: simple tips to start journaling

If I’d known all of this before, it wouldn’t have taken me years and a lot of journaling to fully understand, forgive myself and get over the toxic relationships I was entertaining. Yes, plural.

2. Reflecting: what are your boundaries?

A toxic friendship is a friendship that lacks boundaries. And if you’re here, chances are that you’re the one who’s failing to set boundaries for yourself. (That’s why the following affirmations for confidence will help you break your toxic cycle. I got you.)

However, no matter how much you think you’re a victim; I repeat that you’re letting this dynamic happen. You are allowing someone to treat you badly. So, why would they stop?

So, what are your boundaries?

When we’re caught up in a toxic friendship, especially for a long time, we might realize that we don’t have boundaries with that friend anymore. Or maybe we never had boundaries.

Maybe you don’t know what a boundary looks like. 

Here are some examples of personal boundaries:

• • I won’t reply to someone when I’m triggered
  • I won’t have difficult conversations over text message
  • I will walk out of a conversation when someone raise their voice at me

I strongly suggest you journal about it.

I recommend you first write down every situation you can think of that makes you feel guilty, frustrated or misunderstood. Then, think about how you could deal with these situation to protect yourself (without thinking if or how it’s going to upset your friend).

3. Taking action: starting to set boundaries

If you know you’re in a toxic friendship, You probably understand by now that you need to start setting boundaries. And you might need some affirmations for confidence to give you courage. I feel you – I’ve been there.

Most of the time, we have no idea where to start to set new boundaries. The dynamic between you and your friend is so deeply rooted that it feels very wrong to suddenly start making changes.

That’s what makes it so scary; we fear that starting to set boundaries will upset our friend. Well yes, this will probably happen (and that’s okay!).

Or, we fear that setting boundaries will end the friendship. Well, this is exactly the core of the problem. It might. That’s also why I wrote these affirmations for confidence to deal with a toxic friend.

Well, you have all the rights in the world to start setting boundaries for yourself. Even if your friend doesn’t understand. Even if they get upset. And even if they make you feel guilty about it.

So, once you’ve determined what your boundaries are (see the examples above), it’s time to start respecting them. The truth is, you’re the one who’s responsible for making other people respect your boundaries. No one else.

And how do you do this? By respecting your own boundaries yourself.

Respecting your own boundaries – example

Let’s say you decide that you won’t reply to a text message when you’re feeling triggered.

The next crucial moment for you will be the moment you’re triggered by a text message you receive. It could happen at any moment.

So, when it happens, you have two choices. To reply or not to reply. It will be when you’re the most tempted to reply that it will be VERY important for you to remember the boundary you previously set for yourself.

Remember, your reaction is totally up to you.

It seems simple, but you know deep down that not replying might trigger a reaction from your friend. And it will probably make you feel VERY guilty.

That’s exactly when it’s important to respect your own boundary. You can’t blame your friend for being triggered by your reaction. But you can decide how you handle it – and that’s the moment when you have the power to stick to your boundaries.

And that’s how you break your toxic cycle.

The only person you have control over is yourself. You’re the one who needs to respect your own boundary – you can’t control how your friend is going to react.

And yes, it will probably make you feel guilty.

4. Tolerate your discomfort: feel the guilt and let it go

The truth is, guilt is almost inevitable when dealing with a toxic friendship.

Think about it; if you’re caught in a toxic friendship, it’s probably BECAUSE you feel guilty standing up for yourself.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but you’re going to have to go through a lot of guilt – and that’s okay. It’s a mandatory step.

The good news is that guilt is a feeling. And like every other feeling, if you allow yourself to feel and accept guilt without trying to resist it, it will go away. I promise.

It’s a long process, and it won’t happen overnight. But the more you practise, the better you will feel about setting and respecting your boundaries.

Read more about setting boundaries:

> 15 Affirmations for Self Confidence to Help Set Better Boundaries

> 10 Easy Affirmations for Expressing Boundaries Without Guilt

> How to Say No With Confidence and Freedom from Guilt

So, now that you’re ready to do it, here are some affirmations for confidence that will help you in your process of dealing with your toxic friendship.

Affirmations for confidence when dealing with guilt in a toxic friendship

These are affirmations for confidence to help you remember to trust yourself. Dealing with a toxic friendship can feel very lonely. Setting new boundaries is scary and might make you doubt yourself.

It’s okay to doubt yourself, but it’s important that you go ahead and get out of your comfort zone despite the guilt. That’s how you will break your toxic pattern.

So remember, being selfish is okay sometimes.

14 Affirmations for confidence to remember before setting boundaries

These affirmations for confidence will remind you that you’re not doing anything wrong by putting yourself first. Use them for support.

1. 1. Your friend doesn’t have to understand WHY you’re setting a boundary. You’re probably setting a boundary because you feel misunderstood anyway.
   2. You’re not being mean TO THEM, you’re being kind to yourself.
   3. Don’t let them make you believe you’re doing this as a personal attack.
   4. Resist the urge to explain yourself.
   5. It’s okay if you feel guilty; it doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
   6. Trust yourself; you know you’re doing the right thing.
   7. Feeling selfish doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. It means you’re doing it for you.
   8. You’re not responsible for your friend’s feeling after you set a boundary. Your job is to deal with your own feelings.
   9. You might upset your friend for setting a boundary, but they will get over it.
   10. You might feel responsible for your friend’s feelings, but their triggers are not your FAULT.
   11. You might feel responsible for upsetting your friend, but you are not responsible for their reaction to their feelings.
   12. The fact that they’re upset doesn’t give them the right to make you feel bad about it.
   13. You can’t control how they will react to their feelings; you can only focus on your own reaction.
   14. Stop focusing on their feelings and focus on yours first.

10 Affirmations for confidence to tell yourself when you feel guilty

Now, dealing with guilt can be very hard. It can feel unbearable. But you got this. Be brave, and sit with your discomfort. Tell yourself these affirmations as a reminder that you will always win by putting yourself first.

1. 1. I’d rather break a toxic cycle than repeat the same hurtful patterns again.
   2. I’d rather feel guilty choosing myself than feel resentful putting my friend first.
   3. Feeling guilty once is better than feeling triggered constantly.
   4. I’m not being selfish, I’m taking care of myself.
   5. My intentions are not to hurt my friend, even if that’s how I feel.
   6. It’s not a personal attack to them; it’s a personal protection for me.
   7. It’s not meant to be easy now, it’s meant to make me feel better in the future.
   8. It’s okay if my friend thinks I’m selfish; I know I’m not.
   9. Even if this feels very wrong right now, I know I’m doing the right thing.
   10. I refuse to let guilt dictate how I make my decisions.