Toxic Guilt: Why You Feel Guilty and How to Fix it

Healthy guilt vs. toxic guilt

Let’s start with normal vs unhealthy guilt. You can feel bad because you made a mistake. That’s normal. In this case, you know exactly what you have done.

But sometimes, you experience a feeling of guilt because you are blamed, either by yourself or someone else, for putting yourself first. That’s unhealthy guilt. 

It can happen when someone’s blaming you for something you did, or it can happen when you do something to please yourself, then you feel selfish afterwards.

Why you feel guilty for putting yourself first

1. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings

The first reason you might feel guilty for putting yourself first because you believe you are responsible for other’s people feelings.

For example, if you believe that by putting yourself first, you’re causing pain to someone else, you might think their pain is your fault. 

On top of that, if you’re close to people who have strong reactions to you putting yourself first, it might be worst. If people get mad at you and can’t control their reactions toward you, you might believe that you’re doing something wrong by putting yourself first. (Heads up, your not! It’s totally right, okay, and sane.)

So, why do you accept someone being mean to you? Or giving you a silent treatment?

And worst, why do you believe them?

I know why. Because anger awakens your sense of guilt, and you believe they’re right, and you’re wrong. And you feel responsible for their reaction.

Two things are happening in that case: first, the person making you feel bad does not take responsibility for their emotions. They send them back to you.

Secondly, and most importantly, is that you accept this responsibility. 

2. Deeply, you don’t believe that you deserve to put yourself first

The second reason you might feel guilty to put yourself first is because you don’t believe that you deserve to put yourself first. 

If you don’t believe that you deserve something, you will feel uncomfortable getting it.

If you don’t believe you deserve to be happy, reaching a new level of happiness will make you feel guilty. 

Let me explain.

Have you ever experienced those moments where you finally get something you wished for, but somehow something doesn’t feel right?

Like you were still in survival mode, unable to relax because your brain is telling you that you should be doing something productive.

Well, that’s is a feeling of discomfort of reaching a new level of happiness. Somehow, even if you finally have what you want, you can’t believe it. Because you’ve never had that before, you’re feeling uncomfortable. You have a hard time believing you deserve it. You don’t know how to deal with this situation that’s totally out of your comfort zone.

Unfortunately, a lot of people, when feeling this discomfort, meaning when feeling happier, go back to their comfort zone. You know what your comfort zone is? 

Guilt.

Guilt has become your comfort zone, and no matter how bad it makes you feel, guilt is familiar, so it is comforting, because you’re used to it. 

As an example, this can happen when you make a big purchase for yourself. Not for your needs, like to pay the bills or to get food. A personal purchase. Just for pleasure. Just for yourself. 

If you’re not comfortable spending money for anything else than your needs, you will feel guilty. If you’re used to saved up all the money you can, it might have happened to you.

How to stop feeling guilty for putting yourself first

1. Learn to stop taking responsibility for other people’s feelings (and reactions)

So how to stop feeling responsible for other people’s feelings when putting yourself first? The answer: you must work on trusting your own judgment first!

You must accept that you will do or say things that trigger negative emotions in other people; you can’t escape it. You need to learn to tolerate the discomfort you might feel if putting yourself first involves making some people unhappy. 

I know it’s hard, but it is totally possible. Believe me, I’ve been there. 

We may want others to feel good all the time, but that’s unrealistic. Humans are emotional animals. Emotions are triggered by anything, anyone, anytime, without warning.

If you tend to feel guilty easily, you’re probably someone who’s very empathetic, and you can feel other people’s pain. You might want to avoid to feel that pain yourself. Or it might make you feel uncomfortable to know that “you” have caused pain to someone else. 

All you do when being too concerned about other people’s feelings is wearing yourself out. You spend a lot of energy constantly worrying about the well-being of others.

And here’s what you need to remember: other people’s emotions do not belong to you. And you can’t make yourself feel bad to make other people feel good.

2. Let go of the desire to control (or avoid) other people’s reactions

This means to face you fear of conflict, and be brave enough to risk upsetting people. 

You must understand that each person is responsible for their reactions and behaviours. The fact that people have inappropriate reactions toward you doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. 

Let me explain. If someone is angry, for example, they can choose to yell at you. Or they can go for a walk to calm the f**k down. (Or they can repress everything inside, but I don’t recommend you do that).

Yelling at someone is inappropriate, no matter what you did. Even in reaction to anger. Same goes for the silent treatment. It’s just mean. 

Remember, 

You are not responsible for anybody’s reactions but your own.

We cannot control other people’s behaviours. We cannot prevent people from trying put the responsibility of their reactions onto us.

What you can control is whether you decide to take the responsibility or not.

You might like the following posts:

> 17 Journal Prompts to Manage Anger

> How to Say No With Confidence and Freedom From Guilty

3. Practise tolerating the guilt that comes with being honest

When we know that an information has the potential to cause pain, then we feel guilty for communicating it. We assume the responsibility of being the person who will cause pain.

But what hurts is hearing the truth, it’s not us. And in my opinion, a white lie is much more destructive in the long run, especially on trust.

For example, when I ask someone’s opinion, I expect an honest answer. Here’s a very simple example: If the outfit I chose is awful, please tell me. Because if not, I’m going to wear it. And there, I may be angry with you.

Personally, I’m grateful when people are honest with me, no matter what.

Toning down the truth doesn’t help anyone. It’s less bad on the spot, but we only postpone the negative emotion until later.

So if someone asks us, it’s because they want to know. She’s counting on us to give her an honest answer. Yes, we risk “hurting her” if we don’t say what she wants to hear.

But in reality, we only hurt the ego. The blow can be hard to take, but we recover quickly. So, again, the feeling of guilt in this kind of situation does not help anyone.

It is not our responsibility to water down the truth so as not to hurt. Each person should work on themselves to detach themselves from their ego. Thus, everyone should be able to receive the truth, even if it is hard to take.

We must therefore be able to let go of our desire to please others in the answers given.

4. Practise sitting with the feeling of the discomfort and the feeling of guilt

With everything you’ve learned about yourself in this post, now you need to put it into practise. There’s no magic formula. 

You need to step out of your comfort zone and learn to allow guilt in, and then to let it go. You need to fight the urge to go back to your comfort zone, meaning: telling white lies, sabotaging your happiness and being a people pleaser.

You WILL feel guilty at first. But I’m telling you, and I’m living proof of it, the more you practise, the more the concepts in this post will make sense. 

Read this post over and over until it is really deep down ingrained in your brain. It is one thing to understand, it is a totally different thing to put it into practise. 

So, be brave, and start putting yourself first. 

If you don’t know where to start, I have made a free guide that you can download right now by clicking the link below:

How To Set Boundaries: Learn To Put Yourself First Without Guilt